Explain rape.

Explain rape. Explain lesbian sex. Explain boundaries. Explain paralysis, explain your silence, explain the gaps in your memory. Expain being small and queer and female in a big, straight, male war zone.

Explain your feverish, terrified responses to other people's expectations. Explain your anger. Explain your shaking limbs. Explain your nightmares, explain your trust issues, explain your panic triggers. Explain the lump in your throat, explain the distance in your eyes, explain where you go when you're not really here.

Explain how you survived those suicidal thoughts. Explain that people said you were 'too cute' for anyone to hurt you on purpose. Explain the evil in the eyes of a rapist who knows no one will believe you.

Explain how you left town to get away. Explain the explosion of feelings and memories and tears and relief when you realize you're queer. Explain the worry that people will disregard your identity if they find out what happened to you.

Explain that the fear will never fully dissipate, explain there are only good days and bad days. Explain any part of your existance without referencing the above.

what are you doing write now

1.
I am mu
because of foot and finger prints
apologies and accusations
and cliches.

2.
I can read and replicate,
listen and legislate,
but it's all useless
because of that goddamn river metaphor

3.
I would help you get whatever you need
to be whole again,
buy back what they cut out
this lack of specificity is treason.

4.
I took notes on my hallucinations.
The implications are endless.
Let's study.